25 March 2011

All dressed up and no place to go

I am dressed up in a fancy dress, make up, and high heels for my friend and music teacher N's [birthday?] party. I am not actually invited to the party but just going to see him and give him my best wishes. [This is not strange in the dream, it's somehow normal or expected.] He greets me in the hall outside his apartment, and then he retires into his apartment as guests start to arrive.

I lie down in the hallway outside N's apartment. [This hallway does not at all resemble N's actual building.] diagram In the dream, N's apartment opens off a small hallway that has no other apartments off it. The hallway has a couch against one wall, under a large, bright window. I seem to spend a long time on the floor, either reading a book or napping. Then another of N's students arrives, an attractive blond guy. Apparently he is early for his lesson, so he sits on the couch to wait. I get up on the couch too and we start making conversation. My dress has ties on it that fasten at the back on the waist. I ask the blond to tie these for me and he does, with me kneeling on the couch facing its back, looking out the window. I look toward N's door to check if he is ready for the blond, and I see the door is ajar, signaling that N is ready.

The blond and I go inside. [The inside of N's apartment in the dream, while not exactly accurate to real life, does quite closely resemble N's actual apartment.] I have some more conversation with N. The blond sits at the piano and starts to warm up while I speak to N over by a mirror. I tell N that I am "super-hot" for the blond guy. [N actually does have a blond male student that I find quite attractive, but the dream guy doesn't really look like him.] N replies that he is too. I find this remark very cryptic. I know N doesn't mean he is sexually attracted to the blond, so he must mean something else, but what? The blond has become quite bored with waiting for N's attention, and starts watching television, flipping through channels. N gives me a hug that seems to want to progress to picking me up off the floor and swinging me around in a circle, but it doesn't. [It would be quite a trick if it did; N isn't even in my weight class.] I remark that "My dad is 6'2"; he would be able to swing me." [My dad actually is 6'1".]

I leave N's apartment, but there is a "third-person" interlude where I see the action in N's apartment even though I am not there. The blond is so annoyed at being kept waiting that he retaliates by playing the same song on the piano over and over a hundred times to annoy N.

I go home, which in the dream is a rectangular purple house. There is a driveway that goes all the way around the house like a U. I am near the bottom of the U to the left of the house when I see headlights coming down toward me. I consider going back up to the sidewalk to get out of the way, but I decide that will put me right in the car's path, so instead I continue around the U and back up around the right side of the house. I walk up a couple steps onto the porch. The front door seems wrong; I expect two large square screened cutouts in the door, one above the other; instead there are two large squares of wood in these positions. These squares are painted a lighter purple than the rest of the house. I wonder if I have beaten D home. I ring the bell [or did I knock?] and D answers the door. I come in. D asks where I was and I remind him about N's party.


At my last music lesson, I commented on the height of N's doorway (it seemed small to me) and mentioned my 6'4" uncle; this exchange must have prompted the mention of 6'2" in the dream. I have always been very disappointed at my short stature. I used to wear 3" heels on a regular basis, both to be taller and give my legs and ass a sexier line. Since gaining weight some years ago, I have not been able to wear high heels.

The two elements that stand out the most in this dream are my appearance, and windows. I am dressed up and made up in the dream, wearing high heels, and my long black hair is down. I actually have never had long black hair; I've had long hair, and I've had black hair, but I've never had long black hair. Long black hair in the dream goes along with my "idealised" appearance. In the dream I am very aware of my attire, the way one is in real life when all dressed up and not completely comfortable. I very much like to be all dressed up and used to dress up often (at least once a week), but since putting on weight, I haven't bought anything but purely practical clothes, so getting all fancied up hasn't been part of my life for a while. I think my propensity to favour an elabourate costume and makeup is part of my theatrical nature. Before my weight gain, I had at least my body and a provocative style of dress to draw attention to myself; now even that avenue of "theatricality" is closed to me.

The second motif that I notice in this dream is windows. There is a window behind the couch; N and I talk by a mirror (in some ways very like a window); my odd purple house has two large square cutouts in its door. The window at N's home is bright and airy; it looks out on a beautiful vista. When I return home, I unexpectedly find the cutouts in my door sealed. I always intended to pursue a career in performance, but didn't really know how to go about it. While I did the "normal" things (get a degree, get a job in an office), I was still planning on pursuing this career. (When? I don't really know. I thought, abstractly, that I would build a performance career while maintaining my full time office job, but practical realities make that plan fairly unworkable.) Without my even noticing it, the window to start such a career closed, and now I find myself older than an ingenue, trapped in a mundane job I can't stand.

This dream is very similar to the one I described in "Outside the party," even including a similar male stranger. It also includes a professional musician (N) who is known for dressing in an outlandishly flamboyant style. I myself am at my most attractive, but even so, I am not invited to the party; I sleep on the floor outside until it is over, and then I may enter to converse with its host. Clearly this dream is one more in the pile I am amassing of dreams concerned with my thwarted ambitions of performing.

No comments:

Post a Comment